November; clocks go back, we’re plunged into gloom and darkness shaking our fists at Christmas adverts. I imagine more people get depressed in November than any other month, and reading at what’s been commissioned, I might pop a few pills myself, cheer myself up a bit.
Drama... right, these sound alright, This Is England 90 and Wolf Hall - I’ll tape that. WPC 56 - Series II, didn’t watch series 1, let alone 2. Who’s in it? Never heard of her. New drama based on the life of Irish politician Charles J Haughey – give that a miss. More of that Atlantis, not watched that, might give it a go. Lots of other dramas this month, but none of interest to me, so this paragraph ends here.
Fifty three feature films, including overseas coming to shoot around the UK this month. That’s impressive. Probably all bloody rubbish but still. The Daylight Gate about the Pendle witch trials. I hope that’s better than the novel Mist Over Pendle, because that was shi… Lilith: The Last Temptation of Adam - Feature-film based on the book by Tom Stevens about Lilith who was Adam's first wife before Eve who shows up in the 21st century looking for a new mate. I take it they saw the last series of True Blood and bought the rights to this while clutching their hearts in greedy panic. Nordic Light – that sounds nice doesn’t it, feet up with a box of milk tray for one of those mythical Christmassy films, probably with great sweeping shots of the aurora borealis – is it? No, it’s a war film. Now I’d put a ring around that title in the listings, record it, then get angry. Daylight Robbery - action comedy about a group of retired people who decide to stage a bank heist, Deadlocked – miserable Helen Mirren stars in this drama about a British doctor investigating the death of her television reporter in Gaza. Plastic Fantastic a comedy drama about two women from Norfolk who decide to visit Brazil to treat themselves to a 50th birthday plastic surgery makeover. Untitled Lance Armstrong Biopic - drama about the disgraced cycling star - Ben Foster leads cast. Do you like the sound of that? Because I don’t, and I’ll tell you what else I don’t like, that chef on Strictly.
Daniel Radcliffe is busy with some film about Steve Ovett and Sebastian Coe instead of getting on with more A Young Doctor’s Notebook. You’ve got to give it to Radcliffe though haven’t you? With the exception of this film, which just sounds dull, all the others have been good.
Let’s take a peek into Factual and Documentary. The Grierson Awards 2013 - Claudia Winkleman hosts live coverage of this year's prestigious awards for documentary film making. She’s grown on me, couldn’t stand her a year back but since that sewing thing, I’ve warmed. Oh it’s on Sky, I don’t have Sky. I live in a listed building and we’re not allowed a dish. Still, I need not fear because I can watch these gems instead - Untitled Youth Unemployment Series, Untitled Customer Service Pilot, Untitled Social Network Addiction Series, Untitled Big Eaters Documentary. I bet the people who came up with these ideas love November, never clean their windows and have cold bathrooms.
But fear not, documentaries are not entirely in the hands of depressed people, they are also in the hands of the overly-happy and compulsively joyous. Let’s take a look at the nominations; George Clarke's Amazing Spaces - Series III, Sport Relief Goes Walkies, Untitled Vow Renewal Show in which one half of a couple throws a surprise wedding vow renewal for their partner… Kirstie's Homemade Christmas – don’t even get me started on her. I can scream in frequencies that could make dolphins explode when she turns to the camera and grins. She’s like a bloody horror film to me. Remember that scientific experiment in which mice pressed a blue button to get cheese or the green button to get an electric shock? If I lived with her I’d strap myself onto that green button and pray for death.
Plenty, more programmes are inside waiting for you. Get in there and ge-e-e-t working… no, that didn’t come across.
If you have an event you would like listed in the Crimson Datebook, please email details to Alan@crimsonuk.com